The Aphasia and the Crying

How do you comfort someone when they are crying and you cannot understand what they are saying? Of all the difficulties and challenges of caring for someone with Alzheimer's Disease, this is the most heartbreaking of all.



The difficulty speaking is already apparent as far back as January 2011. It was already starting before that back in 2010, but we were in and out of the hospital so many times I had no time to focus on recording what was happening.

The past several months Valerie has been crying more than I can remember. She was always a very sensitive person. She would cry when she was happy, she would cry at the movies when there were touching scenes. She'd cry every time she would watch those commercials for homeless pets. She would always cry at the end of the Betty Davis movie "Dark Victory". (You'd have to watch to whole movie to understand.) It was one of her favorite movies of all time. The story of a woman who found out she was going to die, so she sent her husband away, not telling him. She did not want to put him through the turmoil.

Val has known what is happening to her. Before anyone did. She did her best to "cover". I remember when we were at an appointment with a neurologist where she said under her breath, "The jig is up!" Later after that same appointment in Manhattan, we were leaving and on the street she just broke down. She kept saying over and over again, "I'm Dead, I'm Dead, I'm Dead!" One of the difficult moments in my life. How do you reassure someone when they are told the have this disease. She knew there was no hope. She had wanted to be a nurse when she was young, but couldn't because she simply was too sensitive. She would cry.

Over the past 4 years Val has had moments when she was very aware of what was happening to her. I couldn't even bring it up anymore because she would act as if it were the first time she heard it. That is torture.

So now when she cries, and it comes out of nowhere, at anytime of day or night. I know she is aware, even now. She is concerned about her daughter. And I know there are times when she cries for me. Even now, she is worried about others more than for herself. There is an audio recording I have from Jan. 2011 that is over an hour long where she is so upset about us. It is difficult to understand listening to it, but I remember that night, and I know what she was saying. She was sad that we didn't have more time to be together, they way we always were. We talked about growing old and opening up a bookstore, reading to each other in front of fireplace somewhere in New England. Val loved Boston, loved Vermont (our default vacation spot). The simple life. The quiet life. A life spent in conversation.

That's not to be. At least not the way we thought.

So when she cries now, I have a hard time trying to comfort her. It's nearly impossible. So what do I do? I hold her, I tell her I'll always be with her and that I am only happy when I am with her. It doesn't help much. She just continues to cry and when she tries to speak, I can't understand. It is torture for me. What can I do? What can anyone do. I just listen, and I cry with her, without showing any tears. That's hard to do. But I have to share this with her. We always shared things together. We were literally two peas in that proverbial pod of life.

We have known each other almost 19 years. Where has the time gone? It feels like I met her last week. That's how vibrant I feel our life has been. Never a dull moment, with Val always filling our days with the joys of living. The simple joys of every day life. She was a master at it. She made a house a home and she made a marriage heaven on earth. Despite my being a difficult man. That's a testament to Val's strong character.

The crying now, will one day be silenced as well. These will be the good times, as when she may one day no longer even have the ability to utter a sound or shed a tear. When that day comes, I will be the one who will cry. And the echo from the void will be of little comfort. But again, I will be there, we will be together. I will hold her close and the distance between us then, will be vast. At that point, Val's voice will only be heard in my heart.