(written july 5, 2013)
Not sure if I should take the job, even if I am lucky enough to be offered this position.
Yeah money is so tight it's starting to choke me, us. I don't know if I can/should take a job even though we need the money, Val's quality of life is the issue. Yes, we have 27/7 care now, and all the Aids love Valerie. But I'm her husband. I don't think I can or even should let go. I don't want to let go even if I have to. I know that someday I will. Maybe.
It's just I don't think taking a job is more important that my being with Valerie all the time.
Yes I do take breaks. I play music with my friends. I have even seen 3 movies in the past year.
But I don't know. I HATE that I even have to make this choice. Sophie's Choice??
I've been caring for Valerie now for over 5 years. I know one day, things will change and I will be really alone. Unless I go first of course. (Sometimes I wish I would.)
I know years ago, if I put this question to Val, she would tell me to take the friggin' job. I know also that now, if Val could tell me, she wouldn't be sure at least. I fear she would feel scared and abandoned and start to cry. I would too.
I don't know that I can focus enough to even hold down this job if I get it. I have enough stress in my life, do I need more by taking a job? Yes I need the money, but Val is more important than anything.
Yes it's close by, a 20 minute drive. Yes its a job with computers. I know that most people, even you guys here will tell me to take the job and somehow, it will work out. Really? I have no confidence that it will. It may make things worse for both of us. I mean, we're not going to starve, but I have no comprehensive Health Insurance. If I don't have a job when Valerie passes, I won't have a dime to pay the mortgage, or anything else. I know that's a big concern for most people. I just don't care. I want to be with Val every second of every day, near her when she cries, sneezes or says a few words I can understand. If I get a job, I won't be there for those things. I don't care about anything but being there for Valerie. I've always said, I will worry about tomorrow when it comes, and not one second before.
So what's the BEST reason I should or should not take this job?
Of course I may not even get the job so this would be moot for now. But how could one go on with life, when the person you love, even more than yourself is on a slow ride to heaven. Part of our wedding vows was this:
"Wherever you go I'll go, and whatever you'll face I'll face too."
I just can't figure life out sometimes, maybe some of you can. Let me know.
thanks
guy
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